The Paradox of the Lonely Mother

After becoming a mother you're rarely alone. My son's favorite place has always been pressed against me at all times.

(I'm not sure how dads get a free solo pass to the bathroom but there has to be some mystery left in the universe.)

Yet, at the same time, motherhood can be extremely isolating.

We no longer live in village communities where extended multi-generational families care for each other. I'm not romanticizing this idea, but as someone whose immediate family lives thousands of miles away, there is a certain appeal.

We feel pressure to bounce back, whether it's into our pre-baby jeans, fitness routine, work schedule, or other obligations.

Yet we have no idea how motherhood will change us. No matter when (or if) we fit back into those jeans, a different person is putting them on. Our lives revolve around different needs and priorities, few of which are our own.

I have over 1,000 friends on Facebook, yet do I really know what's going on in their lives? I talked to a friend recently on Skype and said, "I know all about your kids' sleep schedules, but how are YOU?"

I love all the connections I have on social media to share experiences, yet how deep do those connections go? And what experiences do we actually share?

I'm guilty of this myself.

Every night I post three "daily positives" on my Facebook wall. They range from moments of gratitude to fun things we did or silver linings I experienced that day. Some days I truly have to dig deep.

Those posts are for ME.

But when other people look at them, they may think everything over here is sunshine and roses all the time.

I don't post about the breakfast my son threw on the floor that I had to clean up, or the potty accident he had, or how he ran out the back door naked while I was trying to clean up the afore(not)mentioned messes. I don't want to dwell on those moments in my own life.

I don't want to constantly read about those moments from others, either, to be honest.

Like I mentioned to a friend, people don't get dogs so they can pick up poop, but that's also part of the deal.

But I know that my posts play into the idea that everything is going well all the time. And that's not true.

Parenting Secret: None of us really have our shit together.

After this topic came up multiple times in a week, I organized my first mama circle here in San Diego. I have never led anything like this before and wanted to make sure it worked like I thought it would. It ended with everyone in tears and a group hug. It was amazing.

The most voiced comment? "I thought I was the only one."

You're not the only one.

It's hard to be vulnerable at all, let alone when we're chasing our kids at the park or trying to stop our toddlers from eating food they found on the ground or changing a diaper. It's hard to maintain a complete train of thought when we're parenting, let alone finish a sentence - or truly listen to one. It's hard to truly connect.

Humans are social animals. Even introverts need to be heard and understood.

I'll be holding more Mama Circle events soon, and eventually offer virtual events, too. It's important to connect, speak, and be heard. Being our best selves makes us better moms. Together. We're not alone in our struggles.

My last circle before maternity leave will be on May 6th, or get sporadic email updates by entering your contact info below.

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